Sunday Sentiments

 

When your teacher brings this in (LOL - I am dating myself)

Sunday Sentiments

 From Morningstar’s Celebration of life

Celebration of Morningstar’s Life

Ever been too busy to realize that your grieving? Like every so often you remember that your Mom is gone and you tear up, but you have so much to do and think about that you’re like - “No time - got to get back to work…”?

Between work, preparing for my return to school, a volunteer event that I am trying to coordinate and the celebration of Mom’s life on the weekend my schedule is pretty full. 

Over the past few weeks we (the family) have been going through pictures putting together a presentation for her celebration of life. This week I have been editing and timing the presentation for display - and I have been looking at a lot of images from the past. Baby pictures (which barely look like my Mom) to pictures of her as a young woman- where I can see where my sister and I get so many of the facial expressions  we are known for… I look at the pictures of a very young Morningstar and I wonder what her hopes and dreams were when she was young…

Fast forward a few decades and there are pictures of her as a Mother, Teacher, Grandmother, Wife… but looking at the earlier pictures I saw another side of my Mom I didn’t always see, the daughter, sister and a young woman not unlike myself (and my sister).

I smile as I think about the photos I can’t add to the presentation, the kinky life she led. Although I have thought about slipping a few in for fun ;) 

I’m not hardly done with the presentation - and I expect there will be a few more posts (and maybe some pictures) about some of these memories - because this would be a true celebration of her life. 

Stay tuned.

Sunday Sentiments

 

Morningstar is Home

 

Morningstar's Final Resting Place

Today Sir Steve and 'lil one picked up Morningstar and brought her home. 

Mom wasn't in love with this idea, an urn in a house, or any celebration of her life. I am not sure why exactly, there are a lot of people who she impacted throughout her life, and many of them want to celebrate her memory... but I digress. 

Last November my baby girl died. In this case baby girl means my dog, Buffy. Buffy was like a human daughter, for a few reasons, and judge if you like, but before I adopted Buffy I had been through hell trying to have a baby. I had miscarried and required emergency surgery - it was a whole thing, and right around the time that I would have been giving birth to my baby, I adopted the sweetest little girl. It wasn't planned that way, but we bonded and she was my baby from the moment she fell asleep in my arms. Dog years move faster than human ones, and she died at the age of 11 years from cancer. My grief could not be measured - I was a wreck. I wailed and was barely human for weeks. For me it was sudden, Buffy was ok - until she wasn't, and all I wanted was for her to come home. 

Right now you are wondering - how does this have anything to do with Morningstar being home? Well let me tell you... When Buffy died the first person I called was my Mom. I could barely talk - and Mom talked me through it. I don't remember everything she said, but it was comforting to hear her voice and I am sure I will conjure up her words when I need them after Spike dies. I do remember saying to her "Mom, I just want her to come home. My home isn't my home without her." Confused by my statement Mom tried to understand what I meant by "bring her home". I wanted Buffy's ashes to be with me. I wanted her to come back home. I could tell that while my Mom wanted to support me, she thought it was a bit weird to keep an urn full of dog ashes, or any ashes for that matter in the house. 

Fast forward 6 months and Mom's diagnosis. We all knew this was a death sentence, we just didn't know that she would be gone so quickly. All of us were trying to process this information and what it meant, and Sir Steve did what we were not prepared to... he went and picked out an urn. I'm sure he can tell the story better than I can, but he told my Mom about the urn and showed her pictures. Mom did what she does - and was not pleased about the idea of "wasting money" on an urn, or the necklaces that he bought us (the daughters) to put a small amount of her ashes in them so we can keep her close to us when we need her.

The end of the story as Sir Steve will tell it is that he said "Well you'll be gone and you won't get a say."

Since Mom died I have been on edge. The same feeling that I used to get when I was waiting for Buffy to come home. Like something wasn't quite right in the world. I have cried, and am going through the worst of the grief, but today there was a moment of calm. Mom is home. She is on the table that came from Gramma's house, surrounded by her Japanese fairies (Mother's Day present) and in her home with Sir Steve. 

It might not have been what she wanted, exactly... But she also didn't want us wailing and crying about her being gone either, in this case she might not understand why we want her ashes where they are, but I think she would be ok with it - like with Buffy's ashes - because it brings us a certain amount of peace knowing she is still with us. 

Who’s who in our Zoo?

Yesterday I noticed that there might have been some confusion about who I was referring to in a post. I figured it might be helpful to give a quick reference guide to who is who in our world.

Morningstar - my Mom, and the inspiration behind the blog. You can check out her old blog at https://wtsubbie.blogspot.com/

Daemonyka (or eldest daughter) - that’s me! I’m Morningstar’s eldest daughter. I’m a designer (graphics/web/multimedia) and I work in consulting. I’m like a Mary Poppins I go where I am needed - fix what needs to be fixed - and leave to go help another family, or in my case business.

Sir Steve - he is Morningstar’s love, and my stepdad. I jokingly call him “Daddy” because it bugs him. He is a fabulous human, and one of my very favourite people.

Husband (or Rob) - my husband and Morningstar’s favourite “child” (There is a story here that I will tell eventually). 

Little Sister (or youngest daughter) - my younger sister. I have no cute nickname for her right now, I hold out hope that she will join us with posts occasionally so I will leave the nickname for her to choose when she joins us. I love her to the moon and back, and while I have not always been the best sister I always have her back. 

‘lil one - Sir Steve’s daughter and my (and Little Sister’s) step sister. She’s not so little any more, and I can see Morningstar’s influence on how she speaks and has opinions of her own. 

The pack - I have 3 rescued dogs, Spike, Willow and Diesel. I will refer to them now and again, they are my heart. 

Sir (from now on Sir WT to avoid confusion) - Morningstar’s sir before Sir Steve. We don’t always agree on the world, but he was a part of our lives for a long time, and I invite him to continue to be a part of the blog and the conversation about Morningstar’s legacy. 

As we reference more people I will update the Who's Who in our Zoo.

Stay tuned!

I'm NOT a Morning Person

Morningstar was a morning person. She would get up at the crack of dawn and sit quietly with her coffee until it was time for everyone else to wake up, or when we were younger - wake everyone up. 

This is not something I inherited from her. I can barely get out of bed at a regular hour - in fact if I could sleep until noon I would be happiest. My Dad used to call me his little "bush baby" - these are small nocturnal primates that live on the African continent.

Reference: https://www.nationalgeographic.com/animals/mammals/facts/bushbabies 

Side Note: my Dad grew up in Africa/India because my Grandfather was in the military - so many references he uses are from there, I had no idea what a bush baby was until I was much older 🐒 I just thought he was calling me a monkey 🐒.

My husband is like this. Gets up early and instead of coffee he goes for a workout. He's ex military so I guess this is part of his routine, and I admire it - but I am not functional without my coffee.

This morning I was awake at 5 am with the dogs - and I considered getting up. But nope the bed won and my husband got up with them, while I was in bed I remembered waking up at the trailer to let the dogs out early in the morning (so Rob can sleep) and I would look over and Mom would be sitting in her spot on the deck. Sometimes I would make a cup of coffee and go over and sit in silence with her. Sometimes we'd talk about stuff, sometimes sit and stare off into the morning haze. 

I miss those mornings. 

Updated - Sir sent me an image to share here is Mom early in the morning working on her blog (at least that is what I imagine she is doing)

Sunday Sentiments

 

Yesterday I Cried - A lot

I think I’ve cried a few times since Mom got sick, but since she died I haven't really expressed a lot of emotions - until yesterday. 

Yesterday I cried, a lot. It was like a wave of sadness washed over me and all I could do was cry. I would stop, then tear up, and cry again. 

I had mostly got it under control, and then I saw my neighbour who asked after my Mom, I haven't seen that neighbour since Mom died... I burst into tears and she felt bad, then I felt bad. 

Flashes

Not those kind of flashes! 

When you die - or are close to death you hear talk of your entire life flashing before your eyes. 

I wonder what (Mom) Morningstar's last thoughts were...

One of the things that they don't tell you however is that after someone you love dies, that you have flashes. Flashes of their life spent with you, stories that they told about times you weren't with them, and flashes of a future without them. 

Since Morningstar's death I have been having flashes of memories:

• Working with her at the school and a conversation we had in the kitchen while I was making snacks for the kids
• A tattoo that she went with me to get after my divorce and how we laughed and laughed 
• Her giddy gleeful laugh when she was decorating my trailer site for my wedding to my current husband
• Her love for Sir Steve and the "little one" (who is really not very little anymore)
• Me doing a quick walk across the trailer lots because I had a tick bite and I needed my Mom to look at it and make sure that there was no more bug bits left inside me (barf)
• Being sick as a child and having her take care of me 
• Mom being sick in hospital with her gallbladder and I would sit in the chair in her room and read while she slept
• The squirrel saga 
• My dog Spike jumping into her face to love her ... multiple times
• Diesel, the rescued beagle/jack russell who didn't like many people jumping into her lap and cuddling in and falling asleep
• Granny fussing over Willow (dog) being cold at the campfire and making me go get her a blanket
• Her making jokes with my "straight laced" husband and how "he was her favourite child"
• Fights that we had
• Her smell when she hugged me
• and so many more memories...

I can still hear her voice in my head - and I miss her every second.

Welcome to Morningstar’s Legacy

Hi Everyone!

Welcome to Morningstar’s legacy. I am her eldest daughter - you can call me Dae. If you have been following my Mom for a while you have heard tales of me and my family, and we will be your hosts on this blog. 

(I am hoping that my sister and Sir Steve will join us here occasionally to share  stories - but for now it will be me 😉)

When we got the news about my Mom’s condition in May, I immediately sought help to deal with my grief. My Mom and I didn’t always agree on the world, but in the past 10 years (or so) she became my best friend - just the thought of losing her put me into a major depression. My therapist suggested some books for me to read on how to deal with my feelings (see below for a list of suggested reading) and amoung the concepts I was particularly concerned with her legacy, what will she leave for the world? The one thing that I know she leaves behind is - “The Journey”. 

Morningstar’s journey on earth has ended, but I am sure that she has inspired many of you the way she did many others outside of her journey in blogland. Please take a moment to introduce yourself in the comments and share your most cherished memory of Morningstar, or your favourite blog post/answer that she wrote.

(If you have stumbled upon this blog and have no idea what I am referring to please navigate on over to https://wtsubbie.blogspot.com/ and check out Morningstar’s original blog.)

Suggested Reading List on Grief/Loss 

• Grief is Love (Marisa Rene Lee) 
• The Healing Power of Storytelling (Annie Brewster MD and Rachel Zimmerman)
• It’s Ok That You’re Not OK (Megan Devine)
• Finding Meaning (David Kessler)

Please excuse our visuals for the moment - we are still getting started/set-up.