Morningstar is Home

 

Morningstar's Final Resting Place

Today Sir Steve and 'lil one picked up Morningstar and brought her home. 

Mom wasn't in love with this idea, an urn in a house, or any celebration of her life. I am not sure why exactly, there are a lot of people who she impacted throughout her life, and many of them want to celebrate her memory... but I digress. 

Last November my baby girl died. In this case baby girl means my dog, Buffy. Buffy was like a human daughter, for a few reasons, and judge if you like, but before I adopted Buffy I had been through hell trying to have a baby. I had miscarried and required emergency surgery - it was a whole thing, and right around the time that I would have been giving birth to my baby, I adopted the sweetest little girl. It wasn't planned that way, but we bonded and she was my baby from the moment she fell asleep in my arms. Dog years move faster than human ones, and she died at the age of 11 years from cancer. My grief could not be measured - I was a wreck. I wailed and was barely human for weeks. For me it was sudden, Buffy was ok - until she wasn't, and all I wanted was for her to come home. 

Right now you are wondering - how does this have anything to do with Morningstar being home? Well let me tell you... When Buffy died the first person I called was my Mom. I could barely talk - and Mom talked me through it. I don't remember everything she said, but it was comforting to hear her voice and I am sure I will conjure up her words when I need them after Spike dies. I do remember saying to her "Mom, I just want her to come home. My home isn't my home without her." Confused by my statement Mom tried to understand what I meant by "bring her home". I wanted Buffy's ashes to be with me. I wanted her to come back home. I could tell that while my Mom wanted to support me, she thought it was a bit weird to keep an urn full of dog ashes, or any ashes for that matter in the house. 

Fast forward 6 months and Mom's diagnosis. We all knew this was a death sentence, we just didn't know that she would be gone so quickly. All of us were trying to process this information and what it meant, and Sir Steve did what we were not prepared to... he went and picked out an urn. I'm sure he can tell the story better than I can, but he told my Mom about the urn and showed her pictures. Mom did what she does - and was not pleased about the idea of "wasting money" on an urn, or the necklaces that he bought us (the daughters) to put a small amount of her ashes in them so we can keep her close to us when we need her.

The end of the story as Sir Steve will tell it is that he said "Well you'll be gone and you won't get a say."

Since Mom died I have been on edge. The same feeling that I used to get when I was waiting for Buffy to come home. Like something wasn't quite right in the world. I have cried, and am going through the worst of the grief, but today there was a moment of calm. Mom is home. She is on the table that came from Gramma's house, surrounded by her Japanese fairies (Mother's Day present) and in her home with Sir Steve. 

It might not have been what she wanted, exactly... But she also didn't want us wailing and crying about her being gone either, in this case she might not understand why we want her ashes where they are, but I think she would be ok with it - like with Buffy's ashes - because it brings us a certain amount of peace knowing she is still with us.