Sensory Overload or Company Holiday Parties

This weekend in addition to a major assignment, there was also the company Holiday party. 

No big deal right? The plan was to go, have some dinner with the people I work with, and come back home and continue my assignment.

Which is more or less what happened. I planned the night, have a drink at the bar, a glass of wine with dinner, socialize a bit and go home. I had maybe 3 drinks over the period of 4 hours... I should have drank more... 

We arrived at the location for the party, and there were probably 5 other companies that were having their festivities in the same place. When we descended the stairs at what was essentially a convention center style part of the hotel, we were hit with a wall of noise. 

I went into IMMEDIATE sensory overload. I wanted to RUN back to the car and go home, order a pizza and put on my pyjamas and enjoy the peace and quiet of my home. 

In the before times (before COVID) I went out and socialized, but I drank a lot. But I socialized with people. Since the pandemic I have stopped drinking (as much) and I have more sensory issues with loud noises, and crowds. I'd like to blame COVID for everything - but alas this has always been an issue for me. My sister suggested that I get earplugs that dull the background noise like she bought for the littlest nephew (grandson) - guess where those were? AT HOME! The last time I used them was at the baseball stadium. I regret my decision to leave the house.

Needless to say I was not drunk or hungover after the party - I am however emotionally drained. I am not sure how long this will last but all I want to do is cuddle my dogs and husband and stay REALLY quiet.

At least there are no "Daemonyka Stories" of getting too drunk and doing something stupid (when I was in my twenties at a holiday party I got so drunk I changed clothes with one of the guys on my team in the bathroom) - but I did feel the need to apologize on Monday for being quiet/weird.

This summarizes it nicely:

I Miss You

More substantial post tomorrow- assignment done for class. Miss my baby girl and boo boo (translation my dogs Buffy and Spike) I’d like to think they are watching over me and taking care of Mom.

Dear Mom

 

Dear Mom,

We missed you this weekend. It was J’s birthday party (littlest grandson), and everyone was there. The first time we had seen everyone since the pandemic. You know all of the extended family… I missed you. I know Steve missed you. It was weird.

I got an A+ on my last course at school. I cried. I wanted to call you and tell you how well I was doing, and that you inspire me to keep going even when it’s hard. I called Steve. I cried. He was thrilled for me, and all I could do was think of you.

I’m doing well in my current course, I like the professor and more importantly I’m learning from her. 

It snowed here, and I thought of how you hated winter. It’s cold. I finally get it. Ever since we lost Buffy I have lost the joy of snow. She really loved winter so much, now that she and Spike are gone I have kind of lost that sparkle and love for winter. Willow the princess she is won’t go outside if it’s cold, and Diesey well he takes two steps outside and runs back in. It’s not fun anymore and it’s has only just begun.

I’m not going to decorate for Christmas this year. I know you loved Christmas - and that is kinda why I’m not going to decorate. I have all the ornaments, and decorations… and I don’t want to face you not being here. Also we’re going to NB for the holidays to be with SiL’s family. He hasn’t been home to see family in over 5 years- so it’s time. It doesn’t make sense for us to decorate and then go away and take it down when we get back. 

You are always on my mind Mom, I wish you were here.

Love you muchly

Dae

Sunday Sentiments

 A few thoughts on strength 

Sunday Sentiments

 

I am a relatively quiet person- rather introverted although if you meet me in public you would definitely wonder. Because of this I have a few really good friends, you can count them on one hand, and this week I sent them this along with heartfelt love messages. 

I love my friends and cherish them. After Mom died I have found myself entirely aware of how little time we have and I don’t want to waste a second. I want my friends (and family) to know how much I love them and how important they are in my life.

While I don’t know you all personally- I do want to thank you all for continuing to check in on us over here. Your comments and visits are loved and also cherished!  

My suggestion for the week is to take a moment and tell at least one person that you love them. Go ahead and make it weird. 

Happy Birthday Morningstar

 Today would have been Mom’s 72nd Birthday.

Please celebrate as you would see fit, but if you wanted to have Chinese food and vanilla birthday cake in honour of Mom - she would have loved that.

Sunday Sentiments

 Today I’m finishing up the final assignment for my course.

This is what my girlfriend sent me as motivation.

 I love her so much.

The Things We Leave Behind

Edit: Sir WT (in the comments) referred to the Story of O dress that Mom had made - it was not in her closet, and I don't think we will ever find it to be honest I suspect that it was already donated previously.

For posterity I am adding a photo of it here:

This past weekend we went to Sir Steve's house and helped clean out Mom's things. I suspect that it is the first in a series of visits to help go through her things.

It was surreal to go through her jewelry and clothing, my sister, (not so) 'lil one and I had some good laughs and smiles as we were going through her things. Remembering moments with Mom, and there were no fights or arguments over who got what, or who wanted what.  It was all very civilized, but also sad.

As Sir Steve and (not so) 'lil one would pull out armfuls of clothes and we would go through them. My sister and I don't need more clothes, so we spent a lot of time telling (not so) 'lil one to try stuff on. By the end she had piles and piles of clothing, actually we all did, and the rest was bagged up to go to charity. Mom had great taste in clothing, and shoes - I like to think I got my taste in fashion from her. 

Here are a few things that I noted from the weekend:

• (not so) 'lil one wearing one of Mom's sweater wraps that I had given her for Christmas. Mom wore it all the time. She offered it to me, but I said no that she should keep it and snuggle into it when she misses Mom. 
•  I kept thinking about when I die, how many piles of clothing that will need to be sorted and donated. I have so many clothes, and shoes, and... and... It's going to take days to go through. 
• That Mom can not be defined by a sum of the possessions she had. Over her last years she really had given away most of her stuff, Mom's legacy is really in the people that she left behind.

For those of you kinksters following the blog, I inherited a few "kinky items" from the closet... a leather lace up dress, a long black cape and a beautiful oriental corset which once I have laced up is going to be so awesome. 

Sunday Sentiments

 Today we will be going through Mom’s closet. Wish us luck.

Sunday Sentiments (COVID EDITION)

 Last week we (SIL and I) got the COVID. 

Being sick makes you want your parents - and in my case specifically my Mom. My sister and I joke about needing Mom when we are sick if only to tell us to “get up” and “get on” with life. We simply hate being coddled - because while Mom was ALWAYS there when we were sick she also reminded us that we weren’t dying.

I was so sick though I could not even conjure her voice telling me to get up and get things done. I did hear the rarer soothing words from her though - you will live through this, and you’re not going to die… and once while I was vomiting (yes my COVID presentation included vomiting, fever, and a few other unpleasant things that SIL did not get) I did hear her say “you’re done vomiting, go brush your teeth and get back to bed”.

I’m just so glad she did not get this disease. 

We’re on the mend now (although still not leaving the house for fear of infecting other people) hopefully we will be better enough to help go though her things next weekend with Sir Steve. 

Have a great week ahead folks! I already know that no matter what next week will be better than the last one.

Sunday Sentiments

 

It’s been a rough week. Major assignment due, work kicked my butt… it will all be worth it in the end riiiight? (But for now I’m a bit on edge)

Sunday Sentiments

 

Sunday Sentiments

Rest well sweet lady- thank you for your service.

Sunday Sentiments

 

About Spike

About thirteen years ago my eldest fur-child came by to live with me. We (my first husband and I) adopted him from the local animal shelter, apparently he kept running away from where he was living. Of course I have no idea why he kept leaving - all I know is that aside from a few “walkabouts” hé rarely wanted to leave my side after he came home.

Spike was my first dog, and he is the love of my life. My husband gets that- and he loves him just as much. But Spike also had a very special relationship with his Granny.

Mom used to live about a 15 minute walk from my house before we both moved out of Quebec, and when I went through my divorce Mom and I spent a lot of time together, and Spike bonded with his Granny. He would get so excited to see her that he would stop whatever he was doing and run to the front door when Granny arrived. 

This caused a few “situations” - that I get to hold in my mind as fond memories. 

When Spike was a puppy, he heard Granny’s voice in the house and as per usual he bolted from upstairs to the entranceway. He jumped (or tried to) into Granny’s arms, but missed and hit her face, breaking her glasses. We got them fixed really quickly but I can still remember being mortified that he did that.

Many many years later after training Spike not to jump on Granny ( and people in general), Mom was visiting my current home, with Sir Steve, and Spike heard his Granny, in fairness she did call him - and he ran down the stairs which happened to be parallel from our couch, so Spike ran down the stairs at full speed and lept from the stairs about 6-7 feet straight into Granny’s lap. She lived to tell the tale with maybe some sore muscles, but we would laugh about this for a long time.

While we were at the trailer, Spike who has great recall by this point, so we left him off his lead, would hear Granny talking at her trailer and just walk across the street and go for a visit. On more than one occasion we caught him walking over to get some good Granny love. He’d get some pets, then he’d lay on her feet and wait for me to come get him.

I remember him sitting by Mom on the bench by the fire pit, and she’d be giving him scritches behind his ears and whisper secrets.

Spike and his Granny were very close. 

His health has been having some challenges since we lost Buffy last year. He developed cancer which we found out has spread to his lymph nodes, right around the time Mom got really really sick. We joked with Mom in the hospital that he was “trying to keep up with Granny”. A week later Mom died, and Spike had a major flare up of the tumor (Mast Cell tumor) and we were so sure he was going to die the same day as Mom. 

Luckily he did not die, and we have had him with us through all the crazy stuff with Mom, her loss, the celebrations of her life, but he’s been slowly getting closer to the end.

I don’t know how much longer he will be with us, but I take some solace that he can go find his Granny (and Buffy) and wait for me to join them in time. 

Back to School

 Yesterday was back to school day for a significant portion of our province/country. 

I have always loved back to school season, which starts in August with all the stores carrying the B2S (Back to School) supplies. Paper, pens, erasers, books, and binders - OH MY! 

The best way to describe my joy is think of how much Morningstar loved Christmas, well that is how much JOY I get in the B2S season. I start singing this song every time I see a B2S display, in any store (not just Staples/Business Depot) 

Click the image or copy the link into a browser

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iz56prGBiS8

Many people in my family think I am crazy, actually I am pretty sure that everyone who HAS to return to school in my immediate family thinks I may have a screw loose (think everyone under the age of 18). I don't have children and have not been able to experience the joy of shopping for my own children, but for a few years my sister allowed me to help with the school shopping with the nephews because it brought me so much joy. 

I think personally that back to school was the one time of the year that made sense to me. I absolutely loved going to school and learning, and it's part of why I chose to work in the Adult Learning field, either that or there is something genetic that Morningstar passed through her genes to me. As many of you know Morningstar was a teacher, and a really good one. For years I would watch her even get excited for back to school, which may have influenced my love of school, or maybe it was also that school and learning was the one place I felt that I belonged 100%, I mean I did spend the majority of my summer hanging out at the public library with my best friend reading... School was also one of the loves that I shared with Mom. We didn't always agree on everything in the world, but school was special. We never had to argue about if I had done my homework, because I had ALWAYS done my homework +. 

This semester I returned to school (again), I am currently taking a Masters degree in Education. I say "again" because this will be my second/third attempt to get through a whole semester at school. Over the past year life got crazy, I lost Buffy first, and then Mom got sick. For both situations I could not focus on school/studying - and when Mom got sick I also simply didn't have the time. Daily visits to the hospital to see Mom, meant that there was very little time to study. It's one of the feelings of guilt that I have, that I am relieved I can go back to school and take courses and not have to worry about if/when Mom would take a turn for the worst, because the worst has already happened. 

Sir Steve posted a picture on socials of 'lil one (really not so 'lil one) returning to school. It's the first year that Morningstar didn't take her back to school photo, and it made me (and I am sure many others) pretty sad. Mom was such a big influence on why I loved school, and while Sir Steve will do an amazing job in her absence, there was just that little spark ya know? Mom was just so special. 

This is another first that we will go through over the course of the first year of her absence. I hope that it's ok that I am going to focus on the sheer JOY that I have about going back to school and learning... and not focus on her eventual absence from my graduation, and all the amazing milestones in school that 'lil one and the grandkids will also go through (the middle grandkid is GRADUATING HIGH SCHOOL THIS YEAR!). 

Wishing all of the students returning to classes an AWESOME year of school.

Sunday Sentiments

 For your listening pleasure 

Just Breathe

https://youtu.be/XTb9GNIxpMk

Morningstar’s favourite child

So there has been a running joke in my family since my sister and I have been adults about who Mom loved most. We would joke when Mom did something nice for the other person that she “loved them more”. 

As I got older, and essentially moved across the street from Mom for 5 months of the year (at the campground), I spent a lot of time with Mom, and Sir Steve. We (my husband and I) were invited to most of the events that happened for 5 months of the year at the trailer. Then we tried to see each other at least once a month for the other 7 months when we weren’t camping, because it felt weird not seeing them every week. 

Because of this, my sister would jokingly say “Mom loves YOU more” - I didn’t argue about it, even though I knew Mom loved us both equally. I just got to spend more time with Mom in the last 5 years of her life, which kinda made up for the 5 years we didn’t talk at all. 

One Christmas she gave my sister and I each a picture that said “I love you most” - except mine said “I love you mostest” so there was a lot of laughter that Christmas. Since then it was a family “joke” that I was the favourite.

However I came to learn after Mom got sick that her actual favourite was not me - it was my husband Rob. 

When Mom went into hospital the first time she was allowed one visitor a day. Generally that was Sir Steve or myself that would go. But my sister and Morningstar’s brother went to see her - on those days we were not able to visit (COVID protocols). I felt lucky that we were able to go at all, so I didn’t complain. Rob would drive me to the hospital with the dogs and I would go and see Mom, and he would take the “monsters” for a long walk.

When Mom went home we went to visit her on Saturday mornings after golf. We would go golfing in the early morning, visit for an hour after that, and then get lunch and go back to the trailer (campground) where we spend our summers. Rob and I would sit with her in the living room and chat about, life, the universe and everything. Mom enjoyed those times with us I am sure. We would also bring treats! Like chocolate she liked, or lemon danishes (her favourite). 

The second time that Mom was in hospital there could be two people at a time. I asked if Mom if it was ok if Rob came to visit too! That’s when I heard her voice perk up “Yes, I would like that a lot”. I smiled, I knew that they had a special bond, but it was at that moment I suspected that he was her “actual favourite.” Over the week she was in hospital we went to see her every night after work, and Rob would “fluff her pillows” - or more like try and help place the “pillows” or what passes for pillows in the hospital to allow for maximum comfort. One day I was trying to help her place the pillows and I was failing miserably. That’s when Rob stepped in and placed the pillows correctly. She BEAMED when he got it just right. She even declared that Rob was the best “fluffer” and “pillow placer” - and I said “That’s why he’s your favourite” and she just smiled. From then on Rob was responsible for the placement of her pillows - and I was dethroned as the “favourite child”. 

Dear Mom

Dear Mom, 

I went to message you today, and like so many times before I remembered as I picked up my phone that you were gone. I thought maybe I could message you anyway, even if you didn’t reply - but figured it would freak out (Sir) Steve. 

Really I just wanted to see how you were, and I am hoping that you are feeling amazing where you are, that you have the energy to clean and organize to your hearts content. 

Are Gramma and Grampa with you? Are they helping you settle in?

Have you found Buffy? I miss her and I feel only mildly better that you will be with her, I still miss you. But that’s kind of how I am getting through you being gone. I like to imagine that you are sitting on the camping swing with Buffy sitting beside you, and your giving her skritches and whispering to her that I will be along soon. Did you know I couldn’t find a picture of you and her for your memorial? I have a picture with you and Spike, Willow and even Diesel - but none of Buffy. 

Speaking of Spikey, he is going to come and stay with you soon, he is still having issues with his breathing and the tumour, and I know he will be happy to be with his Granny again. 

We’ve been on vacation this week at the trailer, and a few times Spike walked over to your trailer looking for you. You are on everyone’s mind. Except maybe Diesel, he never got to know you at the campground. He likes to chase all the squirrels though, I think he honours his Granny in every squirrel he chases up a tree.

Rob is doing well - mostly. He misses your cookies and your talks. 

I am going back to school on Monday, and as per my usual I am nervous and excited but I got my new school supplies and all my books and I am ready to get back into it! 

Ok Mum, I have to go now, it’s dinner time and Rob is asking me to bring him BBQ sauce and set the table. 

Wish you were here,

XOXO

Dae

Sunday Sentiments

 

When your teacher brings this in (LOL - I am dating myself)